It’s only the first draft.
But since I don’t do revisions, this is as good as its gonna get.
I just couldn’t figure out how to work in talking snakes, virgin births, and other miracles.
I blame mental health and a liberal education.
————-
Sally wanted to have a baby. She and Abe tried and tried but… nothing.
Abe switched from jockey briefs to boxers, Sally stood on her head… nothing.
They tried Essential oils, cannibis, positive affirmations… nothing.
Sally was in the nursery one day, thinking about what she might have missed.
The walls were Prussian Blue (anticipating a man-child to join the family business “Abe and Son”), the dresser was stocked with Onesies and lots of cloth diapers (disposables hadn’t been invented yet – and neither had Prussian Blue, but this is a religious story so just shut up and swallow), and arrangements had been made for their housekeeper, Maria, to become their Babysitter. Maria’s boyfriend, José, was still trying to get across the border so he could start a landscaping business – and a family. She and Sally chatted about life, the universe, and everything.
Poor Maria was so lonely. Like Sally, Maria wanted a baby – a boy to join the family business “José y Hijos”.
She missed José so much. She had blossomed into a beautiful young woman in the five years since she’d left her homeland in search of a better life. It seemed like half a lifetime (oh, alright, a third of a lifetime, but let’s not allow some stupid fractions to spoil the flow of the story) since grade school and the day that the men from The Agency had come to their village in search of just one special girl who would work in the home of a wealthy family who lived in Del Norte. The Village Elders, who’d worked with the families to arrange the future marriage of Maria and José, saw a great opportunity. They recommended Maria for the job – and collected a hefty commission.
Everyone knew that it might be years – if ever – before they saw each other again, but Maria and José knew that their love could find a way.
As a ten year old Maria had to learn a new language, adapt to new customs, cook different food, and learn how to do a job that didn’t even exist in her homeland. Her new employer was the woman of the House, Sally. She was an old woman who seemed to be wound a little tight and was obsessed with getting pregnant – and keeping her husband interested.
For his part, Abe was also old and seemed a bit off. But, for all Maria knew, this might be considered “normal” in Del Norte.
As Maria scrubbed and cooked and cleaned, the years slowly passed. Her days of toil always ended in nights of missing José and dreams of their life together. She matured into … well, an attractive fifteen year old.
And Abe had noticed.
[Since this is a story that might, someday, find its way into a Holy Book, we won’t go into any details about this part. The dear reader’s imagination should be sufficient, especially if it is informed by reruns of Law & Order SVU, Criminal Minds, etc. ]
Meanwhile, back in the nursery.
As they were chatting, Sally realized that Maria’s sveldt young body seemed to be carrying some extra weight. Wait. What?! She’s pregnant!
Overcome with jealousy, Sally wanted to know the name of the virile young man who was responsible for Maria’s condition.
A little confused but realizing that her continued employment required complete honesty, Maria named Abe.
Sally nearly had a stroke, a heart attack, and a kitten with a plaid tail. She called Maria every name in the book. When she was done, she grabbed another book and called her every name in that one, too.
When Sally was finally too exhausted to continue, a tearful Maria explained that 1) she hadn’t read either book and therefore had no idea what all those names meant and 2) she was just a servant who understood that her job was to do whatever job she was told.
And that, after months of “those” jobs, Abe had told her that it was Sally’s idea for Maria to do other things, too. [The dear reader might want to take a break and watch some more reruns, if necessary.]
Perhaps it was the fatigue from all of her name-calling. Or maybe it was that, knowing Abe as she did, she actually believed Maria’s explanation. Sally’s anger at Maria changed into understanding.
But, like chemical reactions and mathematical equations, equilibrium and balance must happen. (This is the principle behind those wise words “shit happens”.) As Sally’s anger toward Maria decreased, her rage toward Abe grew.
That night she did her best to seduce him. He was confused at her enthusiasm (she’d overdosed on Essential Oils and slipped him some of the cannibis) but did his best to… rise to the occasion.
As he slept, exhausted, Sally fixed his wagon. Whack! Off with his head!
No, the other head. Almost.
Fortunately for Abe, Sally’s eyesight was as poor as her aim and Abe only lost about 10%.
He awoke in pain. A lot of screaming and yelling followed (including the first utterance of “You fucked the babysitter?!?”), and… now we fast forward about a year.
About six months after The First Circumcision, Maria gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
She named him HayZeus. (Yes, Abe was proud. And tried to make a joke: “I made fire!”)
Sally had, somehow, managed to become pregnant on the evening of Abe’s circumcision. [We leave it to the dear reader to decide if it was the correct combination of oils, Sally’s body chemistry change as a result of her rage, or Somethings else.]
Months later her maternal hormones were doing their job and she invited Maria and HayZeus to stay. Abe was okay with this. He’d begun to hear voices and to talk to himself shortly after his bologna had been sliced. He seemed okay with a lot of things.
Sally gave birth to a healthy boy. You know his name by now.
A few months later, José showed up, looking for Maria. He was hoping to earn enough to buy her from the rich folks.
Then he read the plot summary.
“Holy fucking sheep shit! You people are disgusting. I’m going to the tabloids with this story.”
Sally and Abe (and the voices in his head) had a long talk with Maria and José.
Between them they came up with a great face-saving story and signed Non Disclosure Agreements:
Maria and José were given 40 acres and a mule (well, no acres and a donkey) put in a time machine and sent forward a few hundred years where they would explain that José was the step-father (seriously – HayZeus looked nothing like José) and Maria was an obedient and virtuous young woman who was fulfilling her childhood dream of marrying José.
Abe would explain that Sally’d had to fire Maria and sent her away; Abe’s voices had told him to mutilate his genitalia all by himself; the voices also told him to barbecue the baby – and then changed their minds.
And THAT, boys and girls, is how Abe became the father of three religions.
And why you should support Planned Parenthood.
B & B 